In Response To My Brother’s Xmas Newsletter

Since I have no friends with any sense of humor, allow me to compose my own, right here.  (Saves me the trouble of actually creating a separate word doc to attach, which, once I thought about it, was way too much trouble to go through for y’all)

So, here is what is happening in our neck ‘o the woods:

Its late Fall, which means the temperature here fluctuates from 60 degrees to 8 degrees, all before lunch.  This kind of weather provides an awesome opportunity to deck yourself out in every garment you own, as layering is critical if your day begins before the sun rises, as mine frequently does….then, by around noon, it becomes easy for people looking for you to find you, as all they need to do is follow the discarded items of clothing, until they see a guy, naked save for a fleece lined G-string, sitting atop a Ford 6000 series tractor, screaming at the horses to get the hell out of the way.  Its fallen tree season, see, and they must be dragged out of the hollows, cut up with chain saws, and then split into firewood that must ‘season” a year or so before providing fuel for our wood stove.  Though I’ve discovered the process is definitely improved by an absence of mind-altering substances…I’ve never been one that placed any value on efficiency.  So, yea, I’m usually baked while doing this.

The Primary Wife is getting her Christmas face on.  She has located her box of stuff, (insert your own crude joke in here if you must, Roy) and has lovingly placed her decorations through-out our home.  Both of them.  I’ve always been rather fond of the ceramic Santa mounting what appears to be an eager reindeer.  Soon, she will begin her Holiday cooking regimen, an impressive combination of rolling sausage balls and brewing strong Kahlua to foist onto friends instead of actually buying them useless shit.  Some have expressed a desire for us to purchase them the useless shit, as the still-untouched bottles from years past are taking up too much space in their pantry’s…

The Kids.  Well, I can happily proclaim they have reached the age that means I never have to set foot in a Toys R Us ever again.  This would normally make me giddy as all get out, (thats fun to say, a little) But, the flip side of this happy occasion is that the presents they expect from Santa pretty much guarantees we have to tap our HELOC.  Seems our inscrutable little trade partners in Japan have (as is their habit) perfected the art of making personal electronics so small, one can run a full scale global war from his or her pocket PC.  They also expect to be paid for doing this.  Alot.  Sometimes, I wish Dad had single-handedly wiped them all out while he was in the Philippines.  In addition to all of the gadgetry that serves little purpose other than to distract the children from their favorite activities, like, picking up their rooms or, you know, actually helping out around the house, they both play musical instruments, and the nice commissioned salespeople people at Sam Ash always make us feel more than welcome.

Alright, I’ve done Me, The Wife, the kids….oh yea, our animals.  The horses are on Winter pasture, which means a great deal of running around, wild-eyed, and snorting at imaginary predators.  They are still fat, even though we have stopped feeding them any grain. The goats hang with them, which is fine by me, as I tire quickly of dodging the little black marbles they drop everywhere.  EVERYWHERE.  The dogs, well, they’re old, and a little arthritic, and I sometimes amuse myself by placing their favorite treats at the top of the stairs and then timing them with a stop-watch as they drag their sorry asses up to eat the boiled chicken gizzards.  Even the little house rat Lisa insists on keeping, (she swears its a rare breed of Pomeranian) is getting old, and i have to stifle a laugh when he runs into shit thats been there for years cuz he don’t see too good anymore.  What can i say about the cat?  He comes in, sleeps wherever the hell he wants to, wakes up, stretches, breaks wind, and smiles as he saunters out the door to go kill something.  In other words, he is like any other farm cat in the world.

Thats about it, folks.  We are all healthy, which is all we really need, (though, don’t let that dissuade you if you were planning to send an extravagant gift my way) and we really do look forward to hanging out together during Christmas break.  I hope, one year, to be around my side of the family for once (I’m pretty sure we are all out of jail or rehab by now) but this is difficult when we occupy space on both coasts.  Perhaps i can get my tired ass to Vegas next Spring.  I’d kind of like to see how old you people look after all these years.

One love, my brothers and sisters.



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