Detroit, NOLA of the North?

After thinking about this for days, I’ve decided what to do about The Big Three.  First of all, reduce it to The Big Two.  Chrysler has been turning out shitty, unreliable cars for decades.  Just a few years ago, with all the warning signs out there about skyrocketing fuel prices, they unveiled a new line of big-ass V-8s.  Their electronics have always been sketchy at best, and seem to fail at the 60k mile mark.  When I appraised trade-ins, I was hard on Dodge and Chrysler products, because I didn’t want them.  If I had to absorb them into my inventory, I only paid what I thought they would bring at the auction.  Anyway, let them go…

GM is another story, but the decision to buy Hummer and Jaguar still has me shaking my head.  Also, what they did to the electric car is nothing short of criminal.  We were this close…  That said, If a re-organization is possible for GM, I believe I’d roll the dice on them.  But let Saturn die, please.

Ah, Ford.  You made a killing for years with the Explorer, then foisted the Excursion on us.   But you had some good ideas, I thought…and no, Blue Oval Certification wasn’t one of them.  You owe me a year of my life back for that one.  Red Carpet leasing was ahead of its time, i believe, but the time may be over for short-term leasing, or, really, leasing at all.  You too are granted a reprieve.

With conditions, of course.  CEO and Executive pay must be no more than three times the amount of your highest paid hourly worker.  Bonuses come only in profitable years, and again, are tied to the amounts paid to hourly workers.  Fuel mileage standards must be raised every year, starting in two years.  I think we can relax some safety standards like side-impact air bags.  Driving is inherently risky, and perhaps if people were not driving tanks, occupants of a car hit from the side might just survive it.  We’ll move some of your health care costs to a nation-wide single payer system, (and fold medicare and medicaid into it as well.)

Later, we’ll talk about how to deal with unscrupulous dealers…and how its a bad idea to finance cars for 5,6, or 7 years.

Or, we’ll just let y’all slide into  Lake Michigan….



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13 responses to “Detroit, NOLA of the North?

  1. Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    No, no, no. A thousand times no. I throw myself on your mercy, but I have beloved friends and relatives and places from my youth I look back fondly on between Detroit and Lake Michigan. As you slid Detroit across the state towards the lake (and against prevailing weather patterns, I might add), my people would get scraped along and most of them don’t even work for GM.

    No, please, if Detroit must be dumped into a Great Lake, please dump it into Erie.

  2. Hmpf. Apparently, i don’t know my Great lakes…

  3. She Made Harry Eat Onions, with Michigan being the only one that doesn’t also touch Canada.

  4. Really? That works for you?

  5. Superior, Michigan, Huron, Erie, Ontario… Yeah, I guess it does. So much for my conviction that you’re secretly a dude from Detroit in the witness protection program just pretending to be the child of Mexican immigrants who grew up in LA.

    I thought for sure your ability to play euchre was a tell that you were midwestern.

  6. I could teach euchre.

  7. nm

    I’m from the m idwest and I don’t play euchre. I don’t think it necessarily follows. Of course, I’m not in the witness protection program, either. That might change things.

  8. NM, I think you’re too far south. As far as I can tell, euchre is a game most closely associated with places north of I-80.

    Mack, we have a lot to learn from you: how to taunt not only your opponent, with manly hip thrusts, for instance.

    And you’re the only person I know who, upon winning, taunts and smack-talks your partner! I still laugh so hard every time I think about that.

  9. Argh. I needed a “but also” in there. Forgive me.

  10. Chiming in with pointless comment that I learned to remember the lakes by remembering “homes.”

    re: Chrysler, I just realized that I couldn’t think of the model name of a single car they currently make.

  11. This may come as a surprise – and I actually wouldn’t have expected it – but up until about two years ago, I drove Chrysler cars for nearly 20 years with almost zero problems. The first one, a Plymouth, had a few probs but it was bought used.

    The second was a Dodge and until it finally died, no engine problems, just battery replacements.

    I bought my first Neon brand new in 1996 and never had a single problem with it until the AC went out, but it was over eight years old at that point. No engine problems and maybe replaced the battery twice, maybe only once.

    I had a slightly used (but extremely well taken care of – the previous owner was a family member) 1997 Neon after that – once again, no engine problems or major repairs until it died, and was over 10 years old at that point.

    Anyway, not really a big fan per se, but still I have had a really good history with the Chryslers. I have to wonder, though, if part of it is just something about the Neon – I’ve had several friends with Stratuses, Sebrings, and more that have just had the worst time with theirs.

  12. democommie


    Try this mnemonic:

    Shit might happen, elections over.

    If I’m following the comments on this thread properly; it appears that the only way to save the big three into two would be for them to offer Fordrolets and Chevlers at dealerships that offer three year financing packages and free euchre lessons with every purchase.

  13. GM killed Saturn off years ago. To me, they started buying the farm when they took Saturn back over. Now it’s just another failed division. Then it was hope.

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