Dear Earth Mother

I regret to inform you that I murdered a dozen or so of your precious flying wasps today.  See, there is so much space out here, that I figure when one of them buzzes close to me he or she is intent on harming me.  In fairness to me, I will point out that I have severely decreased the use of aerosol sprays with handy 20 ft streams of wasp killing tonic.  No, today I did it the old fashioned way, with a chopped broom handle swung like Mighty Casey himself, only I cleared the fences more than I struck out.  This pleased me way more than what I did three years ago, after wasps stung me and my little boy, which, as you well know, consisted of me dousing the entire barn in diesel fuel.

I’m Green baby!  Green, I tell you!

I have to say, that after connecting solidly and hearing their little waspy bones crack, I wait for them to plummet onto the ground, and, if i can beat the dog to the carcass, I perform a little ritualistic dance and beat my chest before grinding their little orange bodies into the dust.

I decided long ago that these creations of yours were one of your few mistakes, but I feel compelled anyway to keep you informed when I remove a few of these demonic insects from my part of your world.

Thank you for this weather today.



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7 responses to “Dear Earth Mother

  1. heartbreaktown

    Yes, tis the season to get totally psycho on little flying, stinging monsters. I maniacally beat one to death with my purse the other day – waaaaaay out of proportion to the danger it posed to me but I was taking no chances. And my magical stream of death was nowhere to be found!

    Don’t feel bad. It’s war.

  2. woody

    You guys are cruel. My insects are “indoor” insects so they live longer..but that’s another subject.

  3. Hah, I can beat that. I killed two carpenter bees “engaged in the act of love.” Figured I saved myself a few dozen offspring later on.

    ME doesn’t make mistakes, but I can’t for the life of me understand why she didn’t make carpenter bees smart enough to leave my painted arbor alone and go over to the dead tree a few hundred yards away.

  4. democommie


    I read somewhere, not too long ago, that hornets and wasps do have one major saving grace, they eat lots of mosquitoes when they’re available.

    Of course, that’s what the ones that were buzzing around in my bedroom said they were doing; just before they were “paper trained”–it’s a one time treatment.

  5. I’m in tears over the mental picture that evoked. Bugs are bigger here in the south… I don’t blame you. I have been on the kill for these evil creatures that seem to be slowly trying to invade my space.

  6. Martin Kennedy


    Related to nothing on this post… I thought your comment over at TCP was very insightful.

  7. Perhaps the legislature can help you with these evil critters like they did with the boll wevil.

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