Running Out of News Options, Quick

I want Dan Abram’s head. I not only want him fired, I want him publicly humiliated, then, drawn and quartered and then I want his puny little head placed on a stick, like Vladimir The Impaler (I think, perhaps Aunt B, master of all things Viking related, can school me) and then I want someone to parade his head around the studios of MSNBC. Someone make this happen for me, please. He has taken what started out as a decent alternative to Network News and made it his own private “girls I’ll never schtupp but I’m fascinated by quasi-celebrity so heres what leads our newscast today” network.
He was actually on the air a few minutes ago, in a 10 minute, repeat, 10 minute segment on how outraged the L.A. Courts were about Paris Hilton’s release. Ok, in the last Republican debate, Duncan Hunter said he would authorize tactical nuclear weapons against Iran if they continued making centerfuges. (I’m paraphrasing, mostly because no FRIGGIN NEWS NETWORK COVERED THIS MORONIC STATEMENT.) I’d like 10 minutes on that, please.

I’m serious, I want his head.

EDIT:  I keep calling this bonehead Dan Abramson.  My bad.  His name is ABRAMS.  I still want his head.



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24 responses to “Running Out of News Options, Quick

  1. Would you like a muscle relaxant to calm you down? 😉

  2. Hell yes. Ivy stole my bong.

  3. Oh, no. No. You did not just call for my tv boyfriend to be drawn and quartered. And you did not just fail to call me and tell me that my sweetie was back on the air.

    No, I refuse to hear that you could be so callous when it comes to my heart.

  4. TV boyfriend? Aunt B…please tell me you’ve got better taste than that. Don’t worry, I’ll let you borrow my little black book.

  5. Bitch, please! 1. That was not a bong, that was a PIPE. 2. I have plenty of my own “equipment”, tyvm. Not that I would ever do anything illegal or anything. 3. I gave it back to you! Dammit!

  6. bwahahahaha!

    I was just thinking how Mack’s bong remark was going to go over like a turd in a punchbowl (oops, already used that one) lead balloon when Ivy saw it.

    Mack, with your vast knowledge of everything you have knowledge on…couldn’t you just hand carve your own bong? I mean, really, you were planning on building a frikin’ gazebo for B’s hen party…a bong should be a play date for you. 🙂

    Wow, blogging high is fun.

  7. Mack, with your vast knowledge of everything you have knowledge on…couldn’t you just hand carve your own bong?

    For reals, man. As George Carlin says, pot smoking leads to carpentry.

  8. Yeah, you know, if you’re after someone’s head, it would probably be a real good idea to get his name right while you’re going after his head, maybe.

    And also, yeah – where was that gazebo, anyway? Hmpfh.

  9. Just think of the steely blue eyes that Baby B.-Abrams would have… And he has that cute half-smile… And he runs a news network. That’s pretty awesome.

  10. But speaking of carpentry, can I borrow your drill, Mack? And some wood? And maybe a saw?

  11. And he runs a news network.

    For now, my queen. At some point, the suits will come out of the ether.

  12. Sure. Won’t you need nails? Or do you intend to fashion dowels?

    Church Secretary is laughing his well spoken ass off at you, by now.

  13. No, I need a piece of wood, maybe about a foot long with eight 1/2 inch holes drilled about halfway through the wood.

    Shoot. So, I guess I’ll need a chisel, too.

    I want to make a really crude temporary candle holder.

    If you get Dan Abrams fired, you’d better, at least, send him to my house for comforting.

  14. I need some wood too…about 7 or 8 inches will do.

  15. ROFL@ Ginger, I feel her pain. Neeed wooood!

  16. Apparently, Ginger ain’t feelin any pain.

  17. Aunt B, send me an email, I’ll fix you up. I think I can use a dremel tool to make round holes, or a paddle bit. The weird part will be guessing the circumference you need. You can always tuck a little something around the base.

    Good Lord, Ginger will have a field day with this comment.

  18. Which is exactly why I need wood.

    Oh, btw, I think Dan Abrams looks like Steve Carell from The Office.

  19. Yes, circumference is very helpful…otherwise you don’t feel anything, much less pain.

  20. Malia

    My mother warned me about hanging around people like y’all…obviously I didn’t listen to her very well!

  21. You have 21 comments on one post, Mack. Does this break a record or something?

  22. Then you will definitely want to read Krugman’s column today:

    “In Tuesday’s Republican presidential debate, Mitt Romney completely misrepresented how we ended up in Iraq. Later, Mike Huckabee mistakenly claimed that it was Ronald Reagan’s birthday.

    “Guess which remark The Washington Post identified as the “gaffe of the night”?”

    Media still sucks. As long as this is the case, then we have no hope of this madness ending. I’ve pretty much given up on the MSM at this point, anyway.

  23. Hey, Southern Beale, I loved your post today, but I cannot comment until you import haloscan commenting. Google wants me to sign up, and I ain’t doing it. I have the same problem with a Blogger sites that don’t allow anonymouse comments. FYI.

  24. nm

    B, I thought your sweetheart was Joe Scarborough. Ginger, I want whatever it is you’re taking. Mack, it’s bread and circuses time; why are you critiquing the circus acts?

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