How To Get Aunt B On Yer Couch

Ok, there are an infinite number of ways…place a bag of Oreos or a carton of Ben & Jerrys on it, have one or more dark skinned, muscular spanish-speaking men sit there first, or, do it my way:

Whet her appetite by promising food, friends, and presents. She was here at sun-up. Then have her stand in the hot sun, watching The Primary Wife and Beantown Bob’s lovely and talented spouse plant marigolds around the garden. Do not feed her yet.

Next, when she runs low on Diet Dr. Pepper, suggest she not have another, but rather wait a few minutes and have an adult beverage. Let her sit quietly in the corner while she ponders this. Do not feed her.

When the guests start arriving, send her on a quick errand, like maybe to take a certain guest back down the hill to retrieve his car, which, for some reason, he thought would not be welcome in my driveway. Methodically begin to unpack the cases of alcohol your best buddy decided to bring with him. Find the 100 proof vodka. Tilt your head back and laugh maniacally and prepare Ms. B a Cape Cod, but do so only by rigidly following this recipe:

Fill glass with ice. Pour the 100 proof vodka into the glass while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, and continue to pour until you say “with liberty and justice for all.” (If there is still room in the glass,  you have done something wrong, perhaps, say, omitting the “under God” part, but, no matter, simply add a thimble-full of cranberry juice. ) Take it to her ALONG WITH HER PRESENT. She will be literally bouncing in her seat, and will not want to spoil her gift-getting moment by complaining that her drink tastes a little strong. Repeat this several times. Do not feed her.

Tip: About the third or fourth time, don’t worry if you are out of presents for her…simply remove something from her purse which is always lying around, and pretend that you are giving it to her anew. Trust me, she will never snap to this clever ruse. Not once.

It is now time to introduce a shot of tequila, as long as it is not accompanied by any food.

Wait.

Feed her the following things, in this precise order:

1. Chips and guacamole, infused with as much jalapeno as you can locate.

2. Tortilla Emplanada, Empesada, Embarcadero knishes with potato.

3. Fry bread. (Its really just Pita deep fried and cut into triangles, and there is curiously never enough to go around)

4. Cajun Shrimp Boil, with corn, sausage,potatos, and, of course, 21-25 shrimp.

5. Expertly grilled chicken breasts, lovingly basted with a secret but purchasable family recipe, and dusted with cayenne pepper.

6. S’mores.

7. Birthday Cake, preferably baked by an expert like The Missus. IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP! Remind B to blow out the candles before she plunges her face into the 4 inches of frosting atop said cake.

Surround her with the right mix of writers, aspiring playwrights, smart women with poor taste in hats, car salesmen, children, and gentlemen farmers, and wait. There will be raucous laughter, lascivious leering and ogling (mostly of the women), numerous bathroom trips, declarations of love, declarations of war, then….suddenly, you will notice that Aunt B has disappeared. Do not panic. You will soon find her sprawled out on your leather sofa, too “relaxed” to notice that the children are poking her with sticks and laughing gleefully. She will remain there until you have had your second cup of morning coffee.

Enjoy!