My New Gig

I have a plan. After our cowardly lawmakers once again punted and effectively voted to keep Americans as divided as possible by ignoring our broken immigration system, I decided to get on this gravy train. I too, should turn a tidy profit on this issue. I applied for Steve Gill’s job, alas, I was rejected after the pre-employment medical detected both a heart, and a brain. Apparently, to get Valentine’s job, you cannot possess a soul either. All they want is the mouth.

I thought next about running for Congress. After all, 170k a year is nothing to sneeze at, and you get to raise even more money for campaigns every two years. The best part? You don’t even have to lead your constituents into the future! Heck no, this sweet job involves paying someone else to read polls, and vote in a way that ensures you keep your seat. In the event Coulter isn’t booked on Hardball or Dobbs, you get to be on TV, and bash those among us that have no vote. Brilliant. I had to nix this when my wife reminded me that I no longer own a suit. Rats.

Then I thought I might start a non-profit, snarf up some fat grant money, open an office on Music Row, (you know, ground zero for Nashville’s immigrant community) and make a nice living teaching Mexicans that drunk driving is a bad thing. I’ll throw expensive parties at posh locations under the guise of “cultural awareness.” The flaw in this plan is that before long, Serpas and Daron Hall’s shiny new immigration toy will deport all the “criminals” here among us, and how much grant money can I raise for like, 8 people?

The easy way isn’t going to work for me. So I had to devise a plan that might take a while to bear fruit, but in the end, it promises to be a bonanza.

I’m joining the Border Patrol. el_hombre_cansado_patrulla_la_frontera.jpg I love the Southwest anyway, (yes, it’s a dry heat) and I do so miss me some Carne Adovada with fresh corn tortillas. Think about this…I get to run around in the desert in a 4 wheel drive vehicle and chase people around. I’m well suited for that. I’m going to make a deal with the Coyotes that allows them slip in enough undocumented workers, ooops! I mean, illegals, (clearly I’m going to need some training here) while lining my pockets, but I will capture enough women and children that I am eventually awarded the Medal of Freedom.

I will parlay that into a book deal. Imagine this, the son of illegal aliens, and former human rights activist sees the errors of his ways, and becomes Super Patriot. Every dickless TV host on the planet, (granted, only ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, CNN and FOX have them) will have me in to peddle my book. I’m pretty sure Lou Dobbs will want to have sex with me. (That isn’t necessarily my thing, mind you, but if it came down to Lou or Coulter, wow, decision time) Anyway, once I am the darling of the airwaves, the Republicans will trot me out at every fundraiser, and, well, them boys throw down. I will play hard to get when Oprah’s people call me. Oh, she’ll get me all right, but my coyness will make her up the ante, and, frankly, she’s got it. I even think Colbert will make room for my likeness on his mantle. Just sayin.

I have a plan, all I ask is that y’all don’t tell anyone, cool?

I want you all to know that when I am rich and famous, I intend to remember each and every one of you. Oh, may I see your papers, please?

20 Comments

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20 responses to “My New Gig

  1. *cheers & applause!!!*

    I really love you plan. Hey, once you’re all famous from your best-selling book, would you introduce me to George Clooney? He needs me. Just sayin’.

  2. nm

    While you are pursuing your path to greatness, do you think you could open yourself to corruption far enough to deport some citizens? It would involve stationing yourself in Florida for a while, but if we could get rid of some of the Nader voters there who cost Gore the presidency in 2000 “because Gore and Bush are just the same,” it would be a least a little bit of payback for the majority Bush provided for the Supreme Court to decide that desegregation is racism and that the Sherman Act doesn’t mean that price-fixing is wrong.

    June 28: a date that shall live in infamy, whatever way you look at it.

    I have no heart to laugh about any of this, but I’m glad that someone can do it.

  3. nm

    My comment is awaiting moderation? Don’t you love me any more?

  4. Perhaps he just wanted to spend some time alone with your comment before sharing it with others…?

  5. Pingback: Nashville is Talking » Now that the amnesty bill’s been killed…

  6. Pingback: Bulletin: Coyote changes team! « GingerSnaps

  7. Mack, you are the grooviest man I know. Incidentally, Freedonian said Hi!!

  8. Not your Dad

    do you think you could open yourself to corruption far enough to deport some citizens

    Sure, in for a penny, in for a pound. What’s it worth?

  9. Mack

    Well, that was weird, my trusty desktop remembered an old username I used once over at Supermousey’s joint.

  10. nm

    What’s it worth? I dunno … what’s this country worth anymore anyway?

  11. Oh, she’ll get me all right, but my coyness will make her up the ante

    (Lynnster falls down on the floor in fits of laughter…)

  12. Bravo Bravo Bravo. If you could open up a little concession stand on the border while you’re ‘enforcing’ our borders, you could really add to the coffers.

    Great piece, Mackster.

  13. What’s it worth? I dunno … what’s this country worth anymore anyway?

    Dunno, let me contact some friends over in Bejing, I believe they hold the note.

    John H, great idea! Perhaps a taste of the South? BBQ and moonpies, maybe?

  14. How can you say that drunk driving is a bad thing? I hear that someone called Paris Hilton became a celebrity doing just that…

  15. “I applied for Steve Gill’s job, alas, I was rejected after the pre-employment medical detected both a heart, and a brain. Apparently, to get Valentine’s job, you cannot possess a soul either. ”

    Priceless! You hit the nail on the head as I know both of them personally. I worked for 1510 WLAC when they were both on air there in the mid-90’s. That is part of the reason I quit. Well that and Rush Limbaugh. I know, it’s sad; however, I needed a job… Then I realized no job was worth dealing with them.

  16. Apparently, to get Valentine’s job, you cannot possess a soul either. All they want is the mouth.

    You forgot the asshole, Mack. That’s also a pre-requisite for the Valentine or Gill slots ….

  17. @Klinde-yeah, I have a close friend who worked for Gill back when he was on 99.7, and he was not a very nice man.

  18. Gill was my divorce attorney from my first husband. He got my divorce finalized; however, what else I went through to get the QDRO resolved is a whole other story. Even his firm at the time was disgusted.

    Steve Gill is a shell of a man from what I personally know. After dealing with his firm, I learned he deposited my check for my divorce coverage personally not professionally. I was lucky the firm took care of me at no cost.

    He would not return my calls nor my emails. He is slime and I wish more people knew that.

    There is more to tell but I will not post it because it is far too disgusting. I will only utter it face-to-face.

    Yuck.

    Glad Mack kept his brain, heart, and more importantly, his soul.

  19. Pingback: New Calling requires Conversion « DeMarCaTionVille

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