My New Gig

I have a plan. After our cowardly lawmakers once again punted and effectively voted to keep Americans as divided as possible by ignoring our broken immigration system, I decided to get on this gravy train. I too, should turn a tidy profit on this issue. I applied for Steve Gill’s job, alas, I was rejected after the pre-employment medical detected both a heart, and a brain. Apparently, to get Valentine’s job, you cannot possess a soul either. All they want is the mouth.

I thought next about running for Congress. After all, 170k a year is nothing to sneeze at, and you get to raise even more money for campaigns every two years. The best part? You don’t even have to lead your constituents into the future! Heck no, this sweet job involves paying someone else to read polls, and vote in a way that ensures you keep your seat. In the event Coulter isn’t booked on Hardball or Dobbs, you get to be on TV, and bash those among us that have no vote. Brilliant. I had to nix this when my wife reminded me that I no longer own a suit. Rats.

Then I thought I might start a non-profit, snarf up some fat grant money, open an office on Music Row, (you know, ground zero for Nashville’s immigrant community) and make a nice living teaching Mexicans that drunk driving is a bad thing. I’ll throw expensive parties at posh locations under the guise of “cultural awareness.” The flaw in this plan is that before long, Serpas and Daron Hall’s shiny new immigration toy will deport all the “criminals” here among us, and how much grant money can I raise for like, 8 people?

The easy way isn’t going to work for me. So I had to devise a plan that might take a while to bear fruit, but in the end, it promises to be a bonanza.

I’m joining the Border Patrol. I love the Southwest anyway, (yes, it’s a dry heat) and I do so miss me some Carne Adovada with fresh corn tortillas. Think about this…I get to run around in the desert in a 4 wheel drive vehicle and chase people around. I’m well suited for that. I’m going to make a deal with the Coyotes that allows them slip in enough undocumented workers, ooops! I mean, illegals, (clearly I’m going to need some training here) while lining my pockets, but I will capture enough women and children that I am eventually awarded the Medal of Freedom.

I will parlay that into a book deal. Imagine this, the son of illegal aliens, and former human rights activist sees the errors of his ways, and becomes Super Patriot. Every dickless TV host on the planet, (granted, only ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, CNN and FOX have them) will have me in to peddle my book. I’m pretty sure Lou Dobbs will want to have sex with me. (That isn’t necessarily my thing, mind you, but if it came down to Lou or Coulter, wow, decision time) Anyway, once I am the darling of the airwaves, the Republicans will trot me out at every fundraiser, and, well, them boys throw down. I will play hard to get when Oprah’s people call me. Oh, she’ll get me all right, but my coyness will make her up the ante, and, frankly, she’s got it. I even think Colbert will make room for my likeness on his mantle. Just sayin.

I have a plan, all I ask is that y’all don’t tell anyone, cool?

I want you all to know that when I am rich and famous, I intend to remember each and every one of you. Oh, may I see your papers, please?