Not the Taj Mahal

Look, Ladies. I have removed the old food from the fridge. I wiped down the counters, , scrubbed the floors, and even took a brush to the commodes. I’m pretty sure all of the critters are out, dead and alive. I’ve mowed the surrounding acreage, and dusted the lawns with Sevin powder to keep the ticks and other creepy crawlies away. I did this out of love for the lot of you, but I absolutely, positively refuse to dust the place. It’s a cabin. Wood everywhere. A nightmare to dust. How %$##@!! clean does it have to be?

ok, ok.  I’ll dust.

But let me be clear about one thing.  It’s A CABIN, not a hayloft.  There are flushable commodes, a working fridge (with a freezer) and pots, pans, fucking blenders AND a microwave.  I’ve replaced the corn-cobs with something more delicate for you to wipe your delicate bottoms.  Theres a fancy electric telephone that requires no cranking!  There is a small color TV that gets HBO, Showtime, and HGTV so you won’t miss your favorite Nazi decorating show, or “Realtor Roundup with Butch Duke.  ”  I’m in the process of running speaker wire throughout the place so you can do your evil Feminist dances to the Nine Inch Voodo0 Dolls or whatever.  Ok?  You’ll be plenty comfortable.  Please bring your own babies to sacrifice, I’m plumb out.

cleaning_man.jpg

72 Comments

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72 responses to “Not the Taj Mahal

  1. What about candelabras? Will there be candelabras?

  2. dammit, Mack…is there a fucking regulation-size, no not a wimpy microwave, can-burn-the-mac-&-cheeze-at-550-degrees, oven?

    …and how are the gazebo, Powerpoint presentation, and bound handouts coming along?

  3. Do you have us some good ghost stories worked up?

  4. This is the automated reply widget recently installed by the moderator. The Moderator is busy. Thank you for your comments, even the stupid ones.

  5. This is exactly why I get nervous about commenting over here.

  6. He does not engage…

    Denied.

    (sigh)

  7. I should state, for the record, that I am just teasing Mack and am not actually nervous about commenting over here.

  8. nm

    But did you pick up the asses’ milk for us to mix with the baby blood in our ritual communal bath?

  9. I should state, for the record, that I am just teasing Mack and am not actually nervous about commenting over here.

    …and I’m scared as hell to…
    ;)

  10. Ok, I’m back to shower…I’d advice a sweater or light jacket or shawl or throw or vest since it can get cool toward the evening.

    Ovens, yes. I’m sweating the centerpiece though…

  11. Wait, you want us to bring extra clothes? I thought we were keeping warm by means of orgy. Is that off the agenda now?

  12. It’s been replaced by naked twister. Less messy.

  13. I have powerful appetites and I’m not sure that I can be trusted to keep a game of naked Twister wholly on the up-and-up. Soft flesh, supple lips, the warm smell of colitas rising up through the air… well, come now. A girl can hardly help herself under those circumstances.

  14. Also, I just want to state for the record, that, even though I don’t speak Spanish, I believe I have made the greatest word-play to ever be made in the history of this blog and I expect many of you to bow down before me in awe while I strut around the yard.

  15. the warm smell of colitas rising up through the air…

    Is this the Hotel California? We can check in anytime we like, but we can never leave?

  16. Who am I to pass on a “little tail”?

  17. Who’s offering? ;)

  18. “Little tail” and, unless the internet is a liar, also some kind bud.

  19. Aunt B, are you offering to give Mack a little tail in return for some kind bud?

  20. No, my accountant says that sex for drugs is bad fiscal policy.

  21. …bad fiscal policy in that it doesn’t give you a good return on your investment?

  22. All I want to know is if your Girl Scout Cookies are made of real Girl Scouts.

  23. My. I’m off the innertubes for one day and I miss all of this snappy exchange.
    Mack, you don’t have to dust for me. Just glad there won’t be ticks and stuff.
    And I don’t dust either so when a person hits Chez Coma, they must love and care about me enough to not give a two shits about the fact they can write their name of the coffee table.
    Just saying.

  24. Thank you, ‘Coma, that’s just what I’ve been saying. If he wants to expend energy, expend energy on composing songs in my honor; that’s much more productive than cleaning.

  25. I’m bringing Cranium, if anybody wants to play.

  26. Sure. Is it hard to learn?

    Doesn’t anyone in this bunch know how to play euchre?

  27. It’s not hard to learn, but does involve humming, drawing with your eyes closed, spelling backwards, etc. I think it’s really fun with a decent-size group, as you can play with larger than recommended teams.

  28. Is euchre like spades?

  29. No, Not to me it isn’t. I hope Coble knows how to play cribbage.

  30. nm

    Is there a CD player and should we all bring our favorite CDs? Our party mixes? Our women’s music?

  31. nm

    Dominoes? Backgammon?

  32. I have Taboo…anybody like it?

  33. too bad there is no Karaoke machine around ;)

  34. There is a karaoke machine around….

    Nothing I like better than having some drunk read me a song….

    Do you guys play volleyball?

    Horseshoes?

  35. Cranium rocks, and Mack, Ivy and I are master Euchre players.

    As to the volleyball and horseshoes I have a long-standing policy of not playing any game that involves me, projectiles and/or the chance of someone being blinded.

  36. Malia

    You did all that for us, Mack? Well are you just the sweetest?

    Hey Peeps, I like Cranium but I’ll also bring Apples 2 Apples for some variety.

  37. Some drunk read you a song? I don’t think Edwards was drunk…

    We’ll have to have one round of euchre with Mack, Ivy, Coble, and me. That’ll be fun.

  38. Nothing I like better than having some drunk read me a song….

    God, that would be hysterical…(for me, at least) :)

  39. I believe this may be the most highly anticipated event of the year. It’s just about all we talked about at lunch… (between me, coma & Squirrl Queen). :)

  40. I’ll sing it loudly, and if you are all still alive after hearing me sing, I’ll give YOU a prize.

  41. Hey, do any of you have an idea about how I’m gonna keep like five pounds of chicken fresh between going to Mothership for lunch, meeting Lynnster and then driving to Greenbriar?

  42. Mack, I don’t think any of us are old enough to know “I am Woman.”

    I could be wrong.

    Okay, so, fine. No orgy. It’s probably for the best. I wasn’t sure where I was going to come up with all those clean towels anyway.

  43. uh, B., I hate to admit this, but I am old enough to know “I Am Woman”… but it would take a whole lotta tequila …

    Mack, the timestamp on your comment is off. Did you break your blog?

  44. At what point do I admit that not only do I know all the words to “I Am Woman”, I actually was just listening to my “Helen Reddy’s Greatest Hits” CD last night?

    Mack,
    I have NO idea how to play cribbage.

    As far as the orgy goes, I’d be fine with it except that means I’d have to go buy new underwear. I have no orgy-appropriate underclothing.

  45. Malia

    Katherine,
    A cooler?

    Oh, and I’m bringing a six-pack of cider, too. Tequila scares the hell out of me.

  46. nm

    I’m also old enough to know “I Am Woman.” IIRC, that was out the same summer as the two different hit versions of “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing” and the two different versions of “If Not for You.” And something by Badfinger. They don’t make summers like that any more, I tell ya.

  47. I had to get rid of my last comment in order to post a comment without being admonished by WordPress that I am posting them too quickly. Sorry.

  48. What, no croquet?

  49. Can I buy somebody drinks at a future time to share theirs with me this weekend? I completely forgot to think of that.

  50. Rachel: never fear, there will be plenty for you. :)

  51. Rachel, what do you like? I am happy to provide you with whatever you desire.

    Fresh out of eye of newt, though.

  52. (heads to the store to buy croquet set)

  53. KC – I’m sure Jim’d let you stick the chicken in the fridge while we’re at the Mothership, and I’m planning on us just going on out to Greenbrier when Jim closes around 2-ish like he does. Mack can deal with us being early!

    Rachel – I am bringing a big bottle of already mixed Lemon Drop, peach schnapps, and a small 4-pack of premixed Mojitos (because I’ve always wanted to try one but don’t know if I’ll like it). Between all of us I think we’ll have plenty to drink on for everyone!

    All – I remember hearing about the Bunco party where everyone was too busy talking to play Bunco, y’all really thinking the yakking’s gonna stop long enough for games? Heh.

  54. Lynnster–Good idea. I did go ahead and get a styrofoam cooler at Fred’s, though. It was only like two bucks or something. Remind me to walk up to the Gas station by Jim’s and get some sodas, though.

    Yeah, I don’t think we’ll actually play any games, but it’ll be nice to have them there in theory.

  55. No, we have to play euchre. I’m more than a little dispapointed that you don’t play cribbage. And you call yourself a Midwesterner.

  56. Okay, but I have to admit that I’m rusty on Euchre. I haven’t played it in years, except on the computer.

  57. Lynn, I’m w/ you…I think we’ll all be yakking it up so much that if we do play games, it will be drunken eurchre or drunken cranium…which will be all the more fun… hee! :)

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  59. FYI: I am one hell of a Euchre AND a cribbage player. Pretty much, if there’s a card game, I can play it. And if I can’t play it, I’ll fake it.

    ^loves cards

  60. I play Euchre but I’m pretty rusty and forget the rules and how to score. My main games have always been Spades and Uno. Uno games with my family get near-homicidal sometimes.

    KC – oh, we’ll make a stop at one of the stores for sure, I was going to pick up a bag or two of ice to take out there in case we need it (probably will).

  61. I will show my ignorance at playing games. Squirrelly loves them, I like drinking beer.
    Aunt B., I do know the words to “I Am Woman.” My mother taught piano and voice and she taught this song to her students.
    And Rachel, there will be plenty of adult beverages bought on our way to “Mister Mack’s Estate.”

  62. Coma! Another early riser!

  63. Yup. Got a hankering for anything specific before I head out there this afternoon.

  64. I need a decent deck of cards. Preferably Bicycle brand. Blue.

    My kids have destroyed every deck in the house.

  65. Haha, I love Bicycle cards the best too. I’ll see what I can dig up in the way of cards. I’m afraid I might only have a Pinochle deck. (Well, 2, since we play double deck Pinochle)

  66. OK. Rustled up 2 unopened decks of cheap-assed regular playing cards. Sorry they’re not the preferred brand. ;)

  67. Ivy, I have always found “cheap-assed” to be a fine brand.

  68. Okay, headed out from my lovely cheap hotel room. Bottled water, stuff to eat (appetizery things, cheese, whatnot), beer, more beer and Blue Bicycle playing cards as I’m assuming they have more mystical powers than Red ones?
    For the record, I know no card games.
    I will sing “I Am Woman” as you guys play. Consider me your bad, Holiday Inn Lounge singer during the card games. Squirrel Queen will play. I’ll distract her so Coble can win.
    Squirrel Queen also wants you to know she can juggle.
    We are here only for your amusement.
    Damn, is the orgy off?
    Crap.

  69. We are here only for your amusement.

    “Remember, this is not a competition, it is only an exhibition — please, no wagering.”

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